Toxic Relationship of a lesbian love

• A recount of how love could haze judgment and self-worth.

Photo by: Sara Rolin, Unsplash

Truth will be told, I need to be heard, and will not let the other party to say anything mean about me, anymore.

I am telling this because I have had enough being thrown under the bus. I am tired being a passive partner/lover. This relationship has turned me from a passive partner to someone who is shouting “I want my FREEDOM back!”

Three years ago, I broke up from a very toxic relationship. During the breakup, my ex-partner confessed that she had told her children, I was the one who cheated on her. And to make the matter worst, she had told her youngest daughter (who admired and respected me) that I was the one who wanted to break this relationship because I had someone else. Which is clearly, not true.

Furthermore, she even told the same thing to most of our acquaintances and friends. In the beginning, I didn’t care about it so much, until I realised it wasn’t good for my presence around others. My name was tarnished and I was known to others as the nasty ones.

So, this is my side of the story…

Back in 2014, I fell in love with a cisgender woman who claimed that she is ready to be in a same-sex relationship. I was blinded by Love, and when you’re in love everything smells like roses except, I forgot that between those roses there were thorns that eventually will poison you slowly but surely.

During our courtship, the relationship was wonderful and a year later, we decided to live in together. Everything was beautiful until one day, I found out that she was having an affair, with her ex-husband.

When I confronted her, she got angry and threw me out from the house without even say anything to defend herself. I was feeling sad and confused but I left the house calmly. I felt stupid and angry, because how can I not see that she is in a relationship with her ex-husband. How could I be so blind!

Few days later, she came back into my life and apologised to me but still did not admit that she had the relationship with her ex-husband even though I had substantial prove of her infidelity. Instead, she gave her reasons that her affair with her ex-husband was few months ago, long before we were together.

As to what a wise man said: “Love is blind.” I forgave her and let her know that if she wanted to be with me, she has to be all the way committed to this relationship and there is no turning back. She agreed.

As time passed, I thought our love had bloomed and surpassed to full blown honesty and trust for one another until four years later, she started to cheat on me again.

Please note, this is not about who is right or who is wrong. This is about me, writing and expressing what was happening during those times while we were together. Everything that is written here is for me to be accounted for and I am to be blamed for not standing up for myself, before the things getting soured.

I was always maligned to myself, Yes! Myself.

I have forgotten how to be authentic and true to myself. I have been so selfless to the point that I have stop loving myself. Worst of all, I forgot how to love and care for myself not to be hurt by anyone. My self-care was completely out of the window while I was in this toxic relationship. Because all I ever wanted to do was to please her and love her. To show how much she means the world to me.

When she told me that she was ready to be in a same-sex relationship, I took every word she said without any doubt. But I was wrong, she was just saying it because she felt lonely, needed attention, and love from someone who can give it to her. I fell into her trap.

Her desperate attention and neediness, had succumbed me to the bream of ‘loneliness’ even though I am in a relationship.

The toxicity of this relationship was way too much that it numbed me.

She once said, that to proof her love to me, she is ready to confront her ex-husband and tell him that she is in a same-sex relationship with me and will introduce him to me. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, and she didn’t even acknowledge my presence in front of him when there was an opportunity arises. I felt embarrassed, humiliated and hurt, the incident got me thinking if she was really into this relationship or she just wanted a companionship without any strings attached.

Whenever I tried to have a conversation about how we both can moved forward and grow together in this relationship, she would either changed the subject or started being judgmental and said some mean words like, I am insecure, I don’t trust her or I have inferiority complex. All those remarks, I took them as pinch of salt and tried to reflect back if she was right. Maybe, I was insecure or maybe I am afraid of screwing up this relationship. Or, maybe both.

One thing I know for sure is that, as a couple it takes a lot of patience and communications to build a good and solid relationship. However, I didn’t get this from her at all. Every time when there was an opportunity to discuss, it will be shut down.

Today, after I have left this toxic relationship, I realised all those words and accusations were just meant to hurt me.

Sometimes, I wonder, do love really makes you feel that vulnerable enough to have you being so passive, and let your partner to always win even though, you knew that relationship wasn’t about letting your partner wins, rather is about learning to accept one another without belittling the others character or behaviour.

The last straw I had with her, when she cheated on me again, this time, with a woman who apparently someone else’s girlfriend.

As usual, she would denied when I confronted her. She started to do her ‘getaway’ by leaving the house, put all the blames on me and accusing me for invading her privacy. She was adamantly insisted that her meeting with this woman was just a friendship meet up.

But she forgot that she had made a promised not to meet this woman anymore so as to respect and not to hurt my feelings in this relationship.

I asked her, how can it be a friendly meet up while she messaged me earlier that she won’t be able to cook dinner that day because she had to rush for an urgent meeting at her work place. While later that night, I found out she was actually meeting this woman before going to work. My heart sank and felt like it crushed into pieces to the ground. After all this while, I have kept my part of the deal for being a loving, caring and honest partner in this relationship. I trusted her wholeheartedly and, I thought she was the one I am going to be with for the rest of my life.

She got mad because I read her messages on her phone without her permission. However prior to this, we had an agreement, that in keeping our relationship transparent and honest, we can look at each others phone messages and emails. After all, we are both in the fifties and mature enough to have these kind of transparencies within our relationship.

A week later, my ex wanted to confront me because she claimed that I accused her blindly. The confrontation happened in one of our good friends home. She started by accusing me of being jealous and petty. She thought that she can get away from this into thinking that I am a passive partner who will always giving in to her.

Much to her surprised, this time, I let my voice be heard and listed down every single evidence to show that she was cheating on me.

She was silenced and shocked because she never knew that I could be that person who will stand up to her false accusations. Her deceiving words have now succumbed to her own fault. Now, the table has turned, she was stumped and flabbergasted for once, she has no words to defend herself anymore.

Frankly, I am not surprised with those accusations that were coming from her. She is someone who takes pride on how people would see her in person. She will do anything to make herself looks good in the public eyes. That’s her forte. However, I believe no matter how much you try to look good in the public eyes, it will be revealed sooner or later.

This is a most valuable lesson for me to learn that, never ever believe any straight / cisgender woman who said, she is ready in a same-sex relationship without seeing her to be wholeheartedly committed to be in the relationship.

This writing is not about vengeance but is a story that needs to be told and share. A catharsis, a state of cleansing and removing all the toxicity that has embeded in me.

As Audre Lorde once said: “Your silence will not protect you.”

Audre Lorde’s words will be my daily mantra and for the next future relationship with anyone. As I have kept my silence far too long and this has to stop right here.